


The unheard sound

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-08-31 23:39:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8598322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: Lately, Gai had been having the nightmares again.





	1. Chapter 1

Lately, Gai had been having the nightmares again. He wondered if it had to do with retirement, the constant ache in his leg, the restlessness, the lack of challenging training. Maybe. Perhaps. Such vagueness and speculation was not for Gai, though, he didn’t want to spend his days caught in rumination like an old man full of regrets.

No, if it was a lack of training, then the remedy was obvious. More training.

Gai leapt out of bed with renewed vigor, something he was still able to do, even if his wheelchair didn’t give much and bruised his behind. Grimacing at the jolt of pain, he straightened, his mind already working out a plan for the day.

He got dressed; he washed his face, brushed his teeth, then his hair. He shot himself a grin in the toothpaste sprinkled bathroom mirror, so bright you could hear the _ping_ like a single bell chime.

Gai knew how to ignore the shadows in the corner and the spindly-legged spider hanging upside-down on the ceiling. If he didn’t think about the dream, then it stopped existing. If something happened in the past, and you were the only one who remembered it because everyone else involved was dead, then, if you chose to forget it, that was as good as it having never happened.  And there was no point in thinking about things that had never happened.

His new house had big windows, lots of open space, one-story, no stairs. The sunlight flooded the hallway, the living-room, the kitchen, where, doused in golden light, a white plastic grocery bag sat in the middle of the table. Gai had not put it there.

The sight of its smug slumped shape, one big green apple already half rolled out , set Gai’s heart ablaze with competitive spirit. His rival had done it again!

Once he had wheeled himself closer, he saw the folded piece of paper propped up against the bag. It bore a message scrawled in familiar sloppy handwriting. _Dinner w/Sixth tonight ~7/8pm. Fish in the fridge. No need to cook, just be home!_

Did this even count, Gai wondered as he balled up the message and threw it into the wastebasket in the corner. Naturally, his rival didn’t have as much time to invest in their passionate competitions, but if Kakashi sent his Anbu, then the successful break-in couldn’t be counted as his own accomplishment, could it? Especially if he used a certain hopeful young Anbu who knew her way around Gai’s apartment!

No, Gai would not add a point to Kakashi’s score for this, but he would certainly work on finding a way into his rival’s private quarters to leave him something as proof of his own skill and cunning. Certainly, the Hokage’s Anbu guard would offer additional challenge!

His youthful spirit surging, Gai snatched up the apple and took a hearty bite.  It was juicy and a little sour, just the way he liked it and as he chewed, manly tears glinting in the morning sun, he silently cursed Kakashi for knowing him so well.

***

Outside, Gai checked his mailbox and found a letter from his beloved student Lee who was currently stationed in Sunagakure and, diligent as always, delighted his teacher with daily reports from the desert.  Marveling at Lee’s gift for brevity, Gai unfolded the three pages crammed with neat writing and began to read.

_Gai-sensei!_

_I hope this letter finds you well! I think about you every day and often find myself wishing for your wisdom and guidance! Even though I keep to the daily training schedule you were kind enough to give me, there are sometimes moments when I have to wonder, what would Gai-sensei do in my position?_

Deeply touched, Gai read about his student’s adventures in the Wind nation. Lee’s trials and tribulations ranged from how to eat cactus soup to training in the desert heat without fainting. He wrote about learning how to read the Kazekage’s moods, about how to understand the strange Sunagakure sense of humor. Gai was impressed with Lee, who clearly had grown into a fine diplomat.

_But even when I feel at a loss, I am still grateful for this opportunity, this challenge! And there is something else, Gai-sensei! Something wonderful and amazing! There is a person, a very special someone! Gai-sensei, I think I am in love! I know we have talked about this before with Sakura-san, but while I will always love and respect Sakura-san, this is different. It feels different! I was hoping you could once again give me advice on how to approach the person of my heart. I know you already shared your wisdom with me back then, but this time I think this person might actually like me too._

_Anyway, I miss you and Tenten with all my heart._

_Sincerely, Lee_

Gai was stunned. His gaze swept over that last passage once more, making sure that he had not misread. He hadn’t. Lee’s neat handwriting spelled out exactly what he thought it spelled out. His precious student was in love! And he wanted Gai’s advice!

He folded up the letter and slipped it into his pocket, where he could feel the edges of the square of paper poke his thigh through the thin fabric of his trousers, then he started down the path from his house up the hills to the training grounds.

***

It was true that Maito Gai was not an expert when it came to love, and he would be the first to admit this. Of course, he was fine with the emotional aspect – no one in Konoha had a bigger heart than him! – but the other aspect…

The truth was, if Lee was coming of age in that way, if he was looking for that kind of advice, Gai knew he had none to give. His body was a weapon, a finely tuned one, even now, two years after the war. It had been used as a tool, it had functioned as a last resort against Madara. It was his achievement, his pride. And yet, a long time ago, it had been—

Gai shook his head, fixing his eyes on the distant horizon, listening to the crunch of gravel under the wheels of his wheelchair as his arms worked against the slope of the hill.

Training was a comfort. Ever since he was a child it had been like this. Back in the day, he and his dad would take refuge out in the training fields where they were safe from the mocking of his father’s peers. The majority of Gai’s most treasured memories had occurred right here, on the marshy meadows that were Konoha’s training grounds nine to eleven, located just outside the northern village gate. Few people came here for training – it was too far from the academy and the village center to be convenient, yet too close to the village for actual in the field simulations. Gai, however, had trained here all his life, with his father, with Kakashi, with his team.

Gai climbed out of his wheelchair and lowered himself into the damp grass. These days training meant pain, but he was used to this too. In fact, Gai had learned to lose himself in the pain, to accept it and push through, to focus on the future. Not on what he’d left behind. Not on what had been lost.

***

His body hummed with agony when he got back home. Gai left his wheelchair in the _genkan_ , so the muddy wheels wouldn’t track dirt all over his floors. A pair of wooden crutches leaned against the wall next to the shoe rack, he’d left them there for moments like this. At some point he would have to clean up the wheelchair but not now, he decided. Now it was time to work on his book.

Gai had written and published his first inspiring work right after his release from the hospital. The reception had been warm, no, far more than warm, his book had turned into something of a  bestseller.  There were many young people in the world looking for guidance, it seemed, and who better to provide it than Konoha’s amazing Green Beast?

Mostly, he gave advice on proper training and nutrition but he also liked to share his insights into meditation and philosophy. With the crutches, Gai dragged himself into his office and to his desk – which was bigger than Kakashi’s Hokage desk, by the way, not that size mattered – and plopped into his comfortable chair. As always when he’d used the crutches, he had to take a moment to catch his breath. He hurt. It felt as though glowing hot steel cable had been attached to each of the toes on his right leg and someone was pulling with all their might. He thought he could feel his bones shift and grind, but that was just an illusion since Tsunade-sama had very clearly told him that the bones in his right leg had been all but pulverized. Hence there could be neither shifting nor grinding and they also could not be on fire.

These were facts Gai replayed in his mind like a mantra. His eyes squeezed shut, he tipped back his head against the cool leather upholstery of his chair.

Five minutes later, he was working, his pen flying across the paper, the pain pushed to the farthest outskirts of his mind. Lee’s letter was still in his pocket, but Gai didn’t quite know how to reply to his wonderful student just yet. Maybe, he thought, this might be something worth discussing with Kakashi, who, after all, had managed to conquer an enemy kunoichi’s heart in the middle of a mission! This was one area where Gai had not yet bested his rival and he was man enough to admit it!

***

He ended up working without pause, fuelled by the fire that burned in him since the war. It was a different flame than before, quieter but somehow sometimes even hotter than the roaring blaze from the days of his intrepid youth.

Only when reaching into the room turned orange then crimson and he heard the front door open, did Gai finally glance at the clock. Half past six. It was early, but Gai could sense the ripple of chakra as the Hokage’s private Anbu guard scattered to secure the perimeter around his house.

“Anyone home?” Kakashi called.

“In here, rival,” Gai replied, pushing his chair back from the desk to prepare to get up – which was something of a process these days. There was no reaction from Kakashi – perhaps he hadn’t heard – but Gai could make out the sounds of his rival moving around the house. Running water in the bathroom, footsteps up and down the hallway.

“You didn’t touch my ingredients, did you?”

His rival, Gai found himself thinking more and more often, was becoming rather peculiar with age.

“I have not!” he shouted, biting back a groan as he put his weight on his crutches. A sharp pain shot up his body, straight from his leg to his shoulders.

“Good. I’m cooking dinner.” Kakashi’s footsteps receded towards the front door again. “And stay where you are!”

Two minutes later when Gai had finally managed to hoist himself into an upright position with his crutches, the door to his office swung open and Kakashi came in, pushing the empty wheelchair.

Gai scowled at his rival, then realized that the wheels were free of dirt and mud.

“I told you to stay put,” Kakashi chastised as he hurried over and pulled Gai down into the chair. “You could just get two wheelchairs, you know. One for inside one for outside.”

“You didn’t have to do that, rival.” Though it was shameful to have been caught neglecting a chore – never mind that it was an annoying chore which only served to remind Gai of the many new inconveniences in his life – he couldn’t help feeling touched that Kakashi would clean up his wheelchair for him. That Konoha’s sixth Hokage would kneel in his _genkan_ and wash the mud off those silver spokes. An inexplicable shudder ran down Gai’s spine.

Meanwhile Kakashi started pushing him towards the kitchen. Gai, however, took control of his own wheels and pulled away. In the kitchen, he saw that his rival had already assembled utensils and ingredients on the table and the counter.

“You get to chop. I’ll do the cooking.” With that Kakashi walked past Gai. He’d already taken off his armored vest and now he casually stripped off his sweatshirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it onto one of the chairs.

As usual, Kakashi had left his sandals in the _genkan_ and slipped into a pair of slippers Gai had no use for anymore.  Now Kakashi was standing in front of the fridge in his sleeveless undershirt.

Gai turned to his task. He pushed the chair with Kakashi’s sweatshirt aside to make room and picked up the knife and the onion that was first in a row of vegetables Kakashi had arranged in a straight line next to the cutting board.

“You’re early today, rival. I hope you’re not neglecting your duties.”

“Slow day. And believe me, Shizune and Tenzou would hunt me down if I left as much as one document unstamped.” Shaking his head, Kakashi huffed an exasperated laugh. Then, to Gai’s surprise, he reached up and rolled down his mask as he started to prepare the fish.  

Gai watched his rival’s back while he worked over the stove. His own hands moved as though of their own accord, slicing and dicing. Gai worked fast and neatly without needing to pay attention to what he was doing, even as the sharp aroma of the onion brought tears to his eyes.

Kakashi threw him a glance over his shoulder and Gai caught a glimpse of his rival’s exposed smile. He smiled back automatically, like he always did. Kakashi’s apparent happiness was infectious.  Too often had Gai seen him look blank, a single eye dull and lifeless. Now his two eyes were full of light.

“How about you? Did you get any writing done?”

“A whole chapter,” Gai announced. “You should read it!” Not that Kakashi had even read his first book, having merely skimmed the first couple of pages of the copy Gai had given him before declaring it ʻdrier than the Desert of Wind in Augustʼ and  ʻviolently unsexyʼ.

“Hmmmm, are there any juicy scenes?”

This again. To make a point, Gai hacked an eggplant in half with a forceful chop that resounded through the kitchen.  “ _Kakashi…_ My book will be a guide for people bursting with youth and passion who burn with a desire to improve themselves and are looking for inspiration!”

“You know what’s inspiring? Virgins who stop being virgins. The long and hard road to finding true love.” Oil sizzled in the pan and Kakashi turned around, a wolfish grin on his bare face.    

“I wish my rival wasn’t such a dirty old man,” Gai grumbled as he handed over the cutting board with the chopped vegetables. Right on cue, his stomach growled and he blushed.

Their hands brushed when Kakashi took the board from him and for a split second, Gai thought he felt the warmth of his rival’s skin. Then there was the angry hiss of the oil as Kakashi began to drop ingredients into the frying pan.

With nothing else left to do, Gai watched his rival as he cooked. This was another area where he knew he had yet to match Kakashi, who was a surprisingly – and sometimes infuriatingly – accomplished chef. Except when it came to curry. Gai knew for a fact that nobody could beat his curry. He didn’t know anyone else whose curry could literally make people breathe fire, a fact in which he took great pride.

For a few minutes they were both silent. Gai’s gaze slid down the length of his rival’s body to his pale ankles. Kakashi’s weight was on his right foot. Once in a while he took a small step to the left or right, his heels lifting off the soles of his slippers whenever he reached for the spices up in the cabinet.

When he spoke next, Kakashi’s voice was soft and light, conversational. “We had this cookbook; it was my grandmother’s. Dad always followed those recipes, but he always ended up forgetting ingredients or using the wrong ones or leaving stuff in the oven too long and burning everything. After he died, I learned all the recipes by heart and, starting from page one, I prepared each and every one of those dishes until I had perfected them all. One time, I ate chawan mushi for two weeks because I just couldn’t get it right.”

Had his rival ever shared this story with anyone, Gai wondered. Either way, he felt deeply honored to be trusted with this memory from Kakashi’s childhood, yet at the same time, he didn’t know what to offer in return.

“After my father died,” he said slowly to Kakashi’s back, “I became serious about the Gates.”

It seemed Kakashi had no reply to that and as the room was filled with the aroma of frying salmon, Gai felt the atmosphere grow heavy between them. It had been a mistake to mention the Gates; after all these years, they were still a sore point between them.

He cleared his throat, remembering the letter in his pocket.

Trying for a light-hearted tone, he posed his question. “Na, Kakashi, how did you make Kahyou-san fall in love with you?”

If anything, Kakashi’s shoulders only tensed further. “Urgh, have you been talking to Naruto? I keep telling him, there’s nothing between us. We’re friends, nothing more.”

“Hah, I’ve seen you with her, rival! You can’t fool me!” Though, to be fair, they had been on a flying ship and Gai had been quite sick at the time – he couldn’t really recall any details. Still Kakashi was not the ʻmysteriously handsomeʼ Hokage as Gai had heard him being referred to by some members of Konoha’s female population, for nothing.  

“Tell me again how you’re not interested in romance fiction…” grumbled Kakashi. Using the long cooking chopsticks, he flipped the fish over in the pan, then turned to Gai and folded his arms across his chest, his gaze boring into Gai. “What’s this all of a sudden anyway?  Gai, don’t tell me you’re in love?”

“Me? No! And if I was, I wouldn’t need your advice, rival!” Gai blushed, flustered despite himself. “I know what kind of person you are!”

That only made Kakashi’s smile widen. He really did benefit from the mask, Gai thought, without it his seemingly constant smug leer was completely exposed. “Oh? What kind of person am I?” he asked in a voice dripping false innocence.

Gai chose to ignore the question. “This is not about me. My precious student has sent me a letter asking for my advice regarding recent matters of the heart. It seems he has found a precious person worthy of his love and he thinks said person might be open to… ah…” How to put this?

“Fucking?” Kakashi offered cheerfully.

Gai glared, his cheeks burning, even as a knife twisted in his stomach. “Pursuing a more intimate relationship!” It came out as an angry bark.

This whole conversation was a mistake. Yes, Gai had nothing but love and respect for Kakashi the Hokage, his lifelong rival, his brother in arms, but there were these rare moments like this one when he was forced to remember Kakashi the annoying Icha Icha reader, Kakashi the aloof genius, Kakashi who ran his mouth about the Gates despite not knowing the first thing about them.

 “Sorry,” Kakashi said, looking genuinely surprised and contrite at Gai’s sharp tone, “I didn’t mean to – Look, it’s not always easy to make sure you’re on the same page. Lee is what? Nineteen now? We’ve all been there, haven’t we.”

Gai hadn’t been there, but that wasn’t something he wanted to admit to Kakashi. He averted his eyes and moved past Kakashi to pick up a dishtowel he could use to wipe the table.

“You know, I’m kind of in the same situation right now. Wondering if a friendship could become a romantic relationship…” Kakashi was busying himself with the rice cooker, his voice was low and seemingly directed at the machine, so Gai wasn’t sure he’d heard right.

“Kahyou-san? Is she resisting your manly charms, rival?” For some strange reason the thought was both amusing and somewhat disturbing to him. He felt a giddy kind of horror that made his heart beat faster.

“I told you…” Kakashi shook his head, clearly unwilling to admit the truth. Though it made Gai unhappy on some level, he was also relieved on another.

“Let’s just forget about it.” The cooker beeped and Kakashi hit the off-button. He opened the lid, letting a cloud of steam escape.

Gai felt the rise in temperature acutely.

“Actually, there was something I wanted to ask you,” Kakashi said as he used the wooden ladle to stir the rice. Gai watched the movements of his rival’s shoulders. Kakashi’s sleeveless top showed off his muscular arms and from where he sat, Gai could catch the occasional glimpse of the Anbu tattoo, the dissolving leaf, a constant reminder of a time when Gai had not been able to follow his friend.

“Oh?”

“Would you mind if I left some of my stuff here? And maybe spent a couple of nights a week? I’ve been coming over for dinner almost every night anyway.”

Gai raised an eyebrow at the unexpected request. True, Kakashi had been showing up with surprising frequency lately, not just for dinner but also for training and sparring or sometimes just to hang around Gai’s house and poke fun at Gai’s book and his writing. Gai had been wondering if it was pity, a consequence of the fact that Gai couldn’t pop by Kakashi’s place the way he had before anymore, since Kakashi was Hokage now and had an irregular schedule and Gai was – he couldn’t deny it – less mobile now that he had to use a wheelchair.

“You have that spare room,” Kakashi pointed out. “I won’t take up much space. It’d be more convenient for me if I could just sleep here instead of running back to the residence late at night. Plus, this place is much quieter than the village center. You know I’m a light sleeper. Maybe I’ll get an apartment in this neighborhood at some point, but, for now, it’d be great if I could stay here every once in a while.”

Gai shrugged. “Sure,” he said. Of course, he’d already seen right through Kakashi’s flimsy excuses to his true motivation. This would be cheap. Stingy as he was, Kakashi would definitely not pay any rent or pitch in for expenses. He’d admired Gai’s house back when Gai had bought it and had frequently complained about how inconvenient it was to keep his apartment when he had to spend a lot of nights at the office anyway. _By the time I do get home, everything is dusty. I had to give Ukki-kun the Second to Tenzou because I barely get around to watering him. The fridge is always empty and even if I wanted to hire help, it’d have to be a top-level Anbu, security protocol, you know. As fun as the idea of keeping Ibiki as my personal maid is, it’s just not worth it._

This way, Kakashi would solve most of his problems. He’d have somewhere to spend what little free time he had without having to think about the upkeep because Gai lived there.

Sometimes Gai had to admire his rival’s shrewdness.

At the same time, he was a little proud that Kakashi had chosen to ask him. Though, of course, it was only natural. He was Kakashi’s eternal rival, after all. The one and only!

“Thanks!” Kakashi shot him a smile over his shoulder. With his mask rolled down, the effect was far more striking than usual. Gai would probably never be able to appreciate a face that he’d heard others describe as pretty, strikingly beautiful, incredibly handsome and many variations thereof.  Faces were all the same to him, however there was something about Kakashi without his mask that touched him even though the details of his rival’s face escaped him as quickly as those of everyone else’s.

“You’re welcome, eternal rival,” he said magnanimously, smiling widely and putting as much weight into Kakashi’s title as possible.

“Okay, this is about done.” Kakashi wiped his hands on a dishtowel and turned around.  When his eyes met Gai’s, his thin silver brows lifted the tiniest fraction. “You know… “ Kakashi’s voice was surprisingly deep and pensive. He leaned back against the kitchen counter as though his body had suddenly grown heavier. “Maybe I do have some advice for Lee.”

Gai perked up. Kakashi sounded serious, that was always exciting. “Oh? You do? Let’s hear it then, rival!”

Kakashi took a deep breath, then the corners of his mouth lifted into a tentative smile. “I guess my advice would be, take a chance. Trust your gut. After all, that’s what _you_ would say, isn’t it?”

“Kakashi…” These moments, theses rare moments when Kakashi surprised him – no, not surprised him because Gai knew that underneath the underneath, Kakashi’s heart was truly strong and good, and that their love for each other was not one-sided, it had become an unbreakable bond forged during contests, sparring, in battle, in war – they left Gai speechless with emotion in ways few things did. Tears welled up in his eyes, turning his vision blurry.

Kakashi was walking towards him, his steps slow and measured as though he was unsure of the ground beneath his feet. If Gai had had the ability, he would have closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around his friend. Kakashi would have tolerated an embrace, the way he always did, standing still and enduring it without participating beyond an awkward pat on the back or two.

When they were close, Gai had to look up to him – that was until Kakashi went down on one knee, put his hands on the armrests of Gai’s wheelchair and leaned forward.

One heartbeat. Kakashi’s breath on his face, warm and damp. Kakashi’s flushed skin.  The light dancing in his eyes.

 _What are you doing,_ Gai thought, his brain locked in a strange loop.

There was force behind it and heat. The unexpected pressure on his lips, the movement there, the way his upper body was pushed against the backrest of his wheelchair, a hand on the side of his neck, a man’s hand, weapon-calloused.

It wasn’t Kakashi.

It was _him_ again.

***

Shattering glass and cold air rushing into the room. Kakashi was on the ground, back against one of the kitchen cabinets, his eyes wide, one hand held up to catch the blood dripping from his nose.

Gai caught a fist flying towards him, but something hit his wheelchair and he keeled over, pain exploding in his right side as the cast on his leg struck the floor.

“Stand down!” Kakashi yelled.

A white-red mask filled Gai’s field of vision for a second, then he saw only sandaled feet on his kitchen floor.

He tried to blink away the bright bursts painted by agony. It was useless, though and somebody was pulling on his arm anyway, making everything that much worse.

“Hokage-sama, what should we do with him?” Came the voice attached to the hand on his arm. It rang in his ears like an angry gong.

“I said leave him be.”

“He attacked you.”

“Does this look like an assassination attempt to you?”

“He attacked you unprovoked with murderous intent, Hokage-sama. That is treason.”

“I did provoke him, and now take your hands off him and get out, all of you. _That_ is an order.”

The force that had been holding Gai up vanished abruptly and he collapsed, smacking his head against the floor.

***

His face rose up out of the darkness. Indistinct, cast in shadows, only his voice clear and sharp just like it had always been.

_Do you know what you did, kid? I got an official reprimand and they suspended me from active duty for a fucking month. And all because of a little piece of shit like you and your useless embarrassment of a father. And on top of everything else, that Hatake brat beat me up. You think I’m going to be some laughingstock like your old man, huh? Getting my ass kicked by an arrogant twerp like that? I’m going to punish you, you little shit! You’re going to do whatever I want, you ugly little brat! And if you tell anyone, I’ll destroy your precious daddy, his life will be over, you hear me?_

_I’m going to do to you everything I want to do to your friend Hatake Kakashi because you’re weak and stupid and no one gives a shit about weaklings like you and your father anyway. Now, let’s start with taking off that hideous green thing…_


	2. Chapter 2

Two hours later, Gai was at home, lying in his bed, but completely unable to sleep.  His heart was still pounding, his head fuzzy with confusion. He had a jumble of fractured memories of being carted to the hospital by Kakashi’s Anbu despite his protests, of Kakashi hovering in the background.

In the end Gai had been sent home with an icepack and some painkillers and again an Anbu from Kakashi’s security detail had pushed his wheelchair through Konoha’s then mostly empty streets. This time, however, Kakashi had not come along.

It had been an awkward, silent trip. Gai had sensed the youth and inexperience of the Anbu behind him. He doubted she was older than Tenten, which probably made her one of the newer recruits of Konoha’s special forces. While she never made a sound during the walk, she did surprise Gai by turning his wheelchair around abruptly after she had pushed him all the way up to his front door. Confused, he’d looked up at her, her white mask reflecting the pale moonlight, and again he was surprised when she bowed deeply, one hand slipping into her pocket to produce a pen and a slip of paper.

“Please, au-autograph?” It was barely more than a grunt, but it instantly lit Gai’s heart on fire. It could feel himself growing two inches.

“Of course!” Only mid-flourish did he realize that he couldn’t very well ask her name since she was still Anbu, in uniform and on duty. “One moment!” Hastily, he unlocked his door and wheeled himself into the dark _genkan_.  There had to be something here… In the corner next to the shoe rack lay a pair of wrist weights on the ground. Gai grabbed them and turned back around.

Like a bouquet of flowers he offered the weights up with both hands. “For you, young kunoichi! Protecting our Hokage is an honorable task! Keep working hard!”

Her arms and legs barely even trembled when she accepted her gift and Gai let go. Pressing the weights to her chestplate, she bowed again, even deeper than before!, then after catching her balance with the tiniest groan and straightening very slowly in a display of endless gratitude, she’d left him.

***

_Remember moments of strength and grace! Never dwell on the painful. Pain can make you stronger, but only if you know how to use it._ That was what he’d told his students. Gai lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, focusing on a single spot to keep his thoughts from drifting. An invisible undertow was pulling them into a certain direction, toward a darkness he had no desire to revisit.

Better to think about his rival, to figure out Kakashi’s next move. No doubt he had been shocked by Gai’s sudden attack – not to mention the panic behind it. While there was a tiny part of Gai that was proud to have landed a hit on his eternal rival, a much bigger part of him was appalled and embarrassed by his own lack of self-control. Certainly, Kakashi would keep his distance now – at least for a while to regroup. The whole thing had probably been one of Kakashi’s weird jokes. Just like the time Kakashi had pretended to have a crush on Naruto. His rival had boasted to Gai about this prank over a bottle of sake. _You should have seen his face!_

That damned Kakashi with his hip and cool attitude had simply been trying to pull Gai’s leg. Well, that backfired.

He might not see Kakashi for weeks now, he realized. After all, Kakashi had a very elusive nature, being his rival had always required a light touch, a keen understanding of Kakashi’s moods.

Tonight Gai had failed.

This would not happen again.

Nights were quieter here in his new house – and he still thought of it as new, though a year had passed since he’d moved – there was nothing but the wind rustling the trees, a faint sound like fabric sliding over skin.  

Although he felt the urge to move, Gai’s days of tossing and turning in his bed were over. His leg felt heavy and numb, the only comfortable position was staying on his back, stiff like a corpse.

Right now Kakashi would be…  Most likely in his apartment in his own bed. He couldn’t have remained at the hospital much longer after Gai had left, and with nothing else to do at the office, there was no real reason for him to return there, so he would have gone back to his apartment, which was slightly closer to the hospital than the Hokage Residence anyway.

If it hadn’t been for the incident – and if Kakashi had been serious, which, admittedly, was a big if – anyway, if it hadn’t been for that, Gai realized, Kakashi might have stayed at his place. He might have been sleeping in the next room this very moment.

The thought alone made the distance between him and his rival feel that much greater. Before the war, they had both lived in the same apartment building, on the same floor even. But then Kakashi had been made Hokage and when Gai was finally released from the hospital, it didn’t take long until Tenten started nagging him about finding a more reasonable place to live. Naturally, Gai had resisted her for months – to make a point if nothing else – however, it couldn’t be denied that his old place was too narrow, that living on the sixth floor in a building without an elevator was less than ideal.  Once his rival had started talking about getting a spare room set up at the Residence so he could spend most nights there, Gai saw no reason to cling to his old place anymore.

Gai lay still and listened to his own heartbeat in the semi-darkness. He missed the sounds of the village center, people in the street far below his window, stragglers from the bar around the corner, shinobi darting across the rooftops at all hours. He focused on that, with a touch of nostalgia and wistfulness and pushed away any longing for the view of the village from above, the wind on his face, the freedom to go wherever he wanted.

***

A click coming from the front door roused Gai from his light doze. He tensed, ears pricked, then relaxed as realization hit. Not a break-in, someone had simply unlocked it. Footsteps in the _genkan_ and the door shutting _._ Only three people had a spare key to Gai’s house and one of them was currently in Sunagakure. There was no doubt anyway, now that Gai felt that other person’s chakra. Kakashi wasn’t doing anything to conceal his presence. Not that he could have, not from Gai anyway.

But Kakashi at this hour here? It made no sense to Gai, who had studied his rival’s patterns of behavior for decades and considered himself an expert. Kakashi withdrew after awkward incidents; he’d avoid Gai and if they did run into each other, he’d revert back to his most aloof persona, the porn-reading jokester who pretended not to notice Gai’s existence. It was a true challenge! And whenever it happened, Gai would award himself points for making Kakashi break character, for earning a quirk of his lips, well hidden beneath the fabric of his mask but always noticeable to Gai, or even a stifled laugh, a hundred points.

There was a soft knock on his bedroom door.

“Come on in, Kakashi.” Gai sat up straight, his back against the headboard. Quickly, he straightened his yukata and brushed a hand through his hair. His rival must not think that he caught him off guard!

The door was opened with exasperating slowness to reveal Hatake Kakashi, to Gai’s surprise in full uniform with forehead protector, armor-plated vest and even gloves. Only the sandals were missing. Kakashi’s head was bowed when he stepped into the room, as though he was studying his own bare feet.

“Sorry, if I woke you up.”

Kakashi sounding as if he was truly sorry was a new and strange thing. Gai had no idea where this was going. Was his rival plotting revenge?  Gai had broken Kakashi’s nose after all. He’d felt the bone crack under his knuckles; he’d seen the blood soak through Kakashi’s mask; he’d washed the crusted brown stains off his own hands at the hospital.

Somewhat off-balance, Gai nonetheless puffed out his chest. “Hah, as if someone as energetic as me needed much sleep! I often get up at night to do push-ups anyway!”

To lend his statement even more believability, he clicked on the lamp on his nightstand. This way Kakashi would be able to see more clearly how unrumpled and awake he looked.

There, at the very edge of the circle of yellow light Gai had created, his rival stood, his shoulders slumped, head hanging, the very picture of bad posture.

“Kakashi, don’t stand there like an idiot. Come, sit down.” Since there were no chairs in his bedroom, Gai scooted and patted the mattress. It was still warm from his body.  “I’m the one who should apologize.”

“No, I crossed a line tonight. I’m really sorry, Gai. I misread the situation. I know you were shocked and disgusted; you had every right to react the way you did. I just hope you’ll forgive me.” Still, Kakashi remained where he was, halfway between bed and door.

It was hard to keep from grimacing at Kakashi’s words. Shock and disgust, that was one way to put it. Not entirely accurate, but probably preferable to words like panic and terror. At a loss for anything else to do, Gai played up his confusion. “Huh? Forgive you?” He started to laugh, but stopped when his voice sounded hollow. “I’m not mad. You did surprise me with that prank, Kakashi! And after you played a similar trick on Naruto, too! But! You’ve gotten slow, rival! Letting me break your nose like that! At this rate, you’ll have to train your reflexes if you want to stay Hokage! I can help you with that!”

This stream of words was met with a moment of silence. Now, finally, Kakashi came closer, though hesitantly and not looking enthused by Gai’s generous offer. He did not sit down on the bed. Instead he stood awkwardly at Gai’s bedside like a reluctant hospital visitor.

“I wasn’t actually trying to prank you. That kiss was me being serious. It was basically a confession and I guess you breaking my nose can be counted as a heartfelt rejection.” While Gai recognized Kakashi’s light-hearted tone as the fake joviality he used to get through uncomfortable moments, the words his rival spoke made no sense at all.  “Look, as much as I’d like to pretend that’s not what it was, I think it’s better to put the cards on the table so we can move on. I don’t want to keep wondering what might have been.”

“Wondering what?” Gai parroted, having lost the thread of the conversation.

“Wondering what might have been if I had asked you out and you had said yes.”

“Asked me out where?”

“On a date.”

“A date?” This was a puzzle. The wheels were turning in Gai’s head. He studied his rival’s face for clues but Kakashi’s gaze evaded his.  “Kakashi, are you making fun of me right now?” Where was the punch line? Why wasn’t it coming?

Kakashi took another step closer, dragging his long black shadow. “No. I’m making a fool of myself.” With a deep sigh he sat down hard on Gai’s mattress. His body’s impact bounced Gai in a way that sent a small jolt of pain up his spine. Unaware of that, Kakashi continued, “I thought we were on the same page. We usually are.” Finally, he shot Gai a sharp look. “What happened to the eternal rival who knows me so well, he can practically read my mind?” Under normal circumstances, Gai would not have tolerated this kind of bitter sarcasm and questioning of his skills, these, however, were not normal circumstances and he still felt like Kakashi had taken the conversation into strange uncharted territories where he could find no footing.  

All he really knew was that he hated the sadness in Kakashi’s eyes.

Kakashi shook his head. “You can’t honestly tell me you had no idea. Why did you think you never saw me date anyone?”

Well, if nothing else, Gai knew the answer to that one. “Because my rival is a private person. And also because I’m sure women are disappointed by your plain face once you take off your mask and repulsed by your shameless habits and your lack of basic manners, not to mention your—“

“That was a rhetorical question, but thanks,” interrupted Kakashi. He brushed a hand through his hair and Gai watched the silver strands slip through those pale elegant fingers.

_Kakashi likes me._ The sudden realization hit Gai with mind-breaking intensity. All the information that had clogged up his brain for the duration of their conversation had been dislodged somehow all at once by the sight of Kakashi sitting there at the very edge of his bed, by seeing Kakashi in profile looking lonely and heartbroken. Heat rose up through Gai’s chest into his throat, turning it into an arid desert.

 “Go on a date with me!” It came out as a guttural croak and it startled Kakashi into actually sitting up straight.

“What?”

“I want to go on a date with you, rival.”

Kakashi looked skeptical. “When I tried to kiss you, you broke my nose,” he pointed out, cocking his head and studying Gai with piercingly earnest eyes. “Gai, I don’t want one date. I want a relationship.” He sighed and dragged a hand across his face as if to erase the memory of what had happened between them only a couple of hours ago. When he spoke next, his voice was hard and determined; it was the voice he used to command his troops. “I want to kiss you. I want to touch you. When you punched me, I could feel—“

“Kiss me again,” Gai interrupted. No need to remember that moment. A do-over, that was what they needed. If you fall, you get back up and try again. Fall seven times, get up eight! He would face this, whatever it was, and the present would triumph over the past, like it always did. “I challenge you!” Gai whipped out his challenging finger and pointed it at Kakashi’s nose. “Don’t be a coward now, rival!”

He was stared down. “This isn’t some kind of joke to me, Gai.”

Never one to be easily intimidated, Gai kept pointing. “I know! And you should know by now that I have never issued a challenge in jest!”

“I swear if you’re using this as an excuse to beat me up again, I won’t stop my Anbu when they try to drag you to Hōzuki this time.” Gai didn’t believe Kakashi’s grumbling for a second. To his complete astonishment, his rival’s fingers were trembling almost imperceptivity as they rolled down the mask. This was Hatake Kakashi, Konoha’s sixth Hokage, a man who had fought in two wars, who had been in battle since he was five,  who had faced countless enemies, among them legendary villains like Orochimaru and Uchiha Madara. Gai had never seen him tremble before, until now.

Gai swallowed. His mouth felt too dry, the room suddenly too hot and the air almost sticky. Kakashi had bared his thin lips and the small, perfectly round beauty mark just below the left corner of his mouth.

_This is my eternal rival,_ Gai told himself. _It’s Kakashi._

“Are you ready?” Kakashi was shooting him a critical look. The beauty mark twitched as the corner of his mouth quirked into a somewhat uneasy smile.

“What kind of question is that, rival?”

“Just want to know if you’re prepared.”

“I’m always prepared!”

“Come here then.”

So Kakashi wasn’t moving and Gai had to scoot over, bad leg and all, bracing his hands on the mattress to push himself forward. His hammering heart did not help, neither did his sweaty palms. He felt silly, but maybe that wasn’t so bad. As long as he felt silly, he wasn’t remembering.

Still Kakashi didn’t budge. The angle of their bodies was awkward with Gai facing Kakashi who’d merely half-turned look at him. Determined, Gai wrapped his arms around his stiff rival, leaned in and pressed his mouth on Kakashi’s in what would be the most enthusiastic and passionate kiss his rival had ever received. 

Their noses bumped; their teeth clicked and finally, letting out a horselike snort that rippled over Gai’s lips, Kakashi pulled back.

“What was that?” He was laughing still, his fingers sliding into Gai’s hair as he moved closer again.

Inches from Kakashi’s face, Gai went cross-eyed trying to look into his rival’s eyes and at his lips at the same time.

Kakashi was smirking despite the drops of saliva on his chin. “I think I liked it better when you broke my nose,”  he said, but before Gai could retaliate, Kakashi brushed his thumb across Gai’s lips and came closer and closer again until his breath was caressing Gai’s face.  “Here let me.”

***

As much as he hated to admit it, there seemed to be no denying that when it came to kissing, technique and experience trumped determination.

***

“N—Stop!” Breathing heavily, Gai backed away until his back hit the headboard with a dull thud. Kakashi remained where he was, his right hand still hanging in the air where it had cupped Gai’s neck.

Finally, he lifted both hands in surrender, palms facing Gai. “It’s okay. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize, I—“ Gai  gasped for air. His chest felt impossibly tight, but as long as he kept breathing, the memories would recede eventually. He turned his head, avoiding Kakashi’s concerned gaze. With nowhere else to look, he focused on the alarm clock on his nightstand.  The digital display offered the smallest kind of salvation and Gai instantly latched onto it. “I just realized how late it is! I’m sure you have to get up early tomorrow…”

“Yeah, do you want me to leave?”

Did he? Gai wasn’t even sure anymore. His lips still tingled and his body was flushed with comfortable warmth. Now that the panic had subsided, he could only curse himself for his weakness.  

Kakashi was watching him intently; Gai could feel his rival’s eyes on him. The strange thing was that it wasn’t a bad feeling. Ever since he'd first met Kakashi, he’d craved his attention. He had it now and he knew that Kakashi _knew_ , that he understood without needing Gai to say anything and though he would listen if Gai wanted to talk, though he might want Gai to talk, he would never ask and Gai found himself grateful for that.

“I could stay here,” Kakashi offered casually, his hand settling on the mattress next to Gai’s leg. “If you want. You won’t even notice me.”

“Stay,” Gai said.

***

Hatake Kakashi was a skilled liar. Of course, Gai had known that, and yet.

In the course of the last few hours Kakashi had lied about two things: A) That he was a light sleeper and B) that Gai would not notice his presence. While the first point could be counted as a half-truth – Kakashi was a light sleeper when he was in the field – the second was nothing but a complete and shameless falsehood.

Gai couldn’t move because his rival’s head was on his shoulder, Kakashi’s breath was dampening the side of his neck, his soft snores keeping Gai awake. Though he wasn’t particularly muscular – at least not compared to someone like Konoha’s Mighty Green Beast – Kakashi was surprisingly heavy and as if to anchor himself, he’d wrapped both arms and one leg around Gai.

This was new and familiar at the same time. Gai’d shared futons and sleeping bags with Kakashi before – on missions, of course, when there was no other choice. He’d slept wedged between his squad members, with Ebisu whimpering in his sleep and Genma smacking his lips or chewing on an imaginary senbon. He’d slept with his team in the last free rooms of dusty old inns with Lee curled around his back and Tenten kicking him in her sleep and Neji … Neji would find the farthest corner and face the wall and pull the blanket up to his nose, but in the morning he’d still be all tangled up with Lee and Tenten and they were so adorable that Gai had started many days with a goofy grin on his face.

Gai blinked into the darkness, letting go of the memories. He ran a hand through Kakashi’s hair because he could. It was as wiry as ever, tickling his palm. Kakashi barely even stirred. When he felt safe, he slept like a log.

If Gai closed his eyes now and held on, he could imagine that this was truly their eternal springtime of youth and everlasting love. It would be no more difficult than doing two thousand pushups at the training grounds until he was just light-headed enough to believe for a minute that the flare of blue in his peripheral vision was Neji training his hakkeshō kaiten.

Such small delusions made the unbearable bearable.

***

Something warm and damp pressed against Gai’s temple, waking him from what little sleep he’d had. “I have to go to work.” Kakashi’s voice was a gentle rumble in his ear. A hand smoothed down Gai's hair. “Go back to sleep. And don’t forget, you’re taking me out on a date tonight.”

_Date._ That pulled Gai back to full consciousness. “What?”

***

_Dear Lee,_

_Thank you for your letter! As your teacher, I am always there for you when you need advice, thank you for remembering that! And here is what I think you should do, my precious Lee!_

_First, close your eyes and picture your sensei’s handsome face! Next, make a fist with your right hand and keep thinking about my manly features! Then draw back your fist and punch yourself as hard as you can! Imagine that it is my Fist of Fatherly Love striking you!_

_Lee, you know what to do! You have always known! It was one of the earliest lessons I have taught you! Follow your heart! Listen to your gut! Be honest! Never give up!_

_As long as you believe in yourself, you have nothing to fear!_


End file.
